unfairytale's Blog

unfairytale:

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Expectations / forventninger

 

Expectations

What I wouldn’t give to be back at elementary school right now. Everything was so much simpler back then, so much easier. If I felt like skipping school, I just did it, ‘cause there was no such thing as absence, no stress and no expectations. There was no reason not to do as I wanted, no one to tell me, that I couldn’t go on a holiday at school days, ‘cause I wouldn’t miss anything important. People already knew me, so there was no need to try and show who I am, and to always be at my best, and pretend to care when I didn’t.

I didn’t feel pushed into anything, didn’t feel this insanely need of being friendly and good, ‘cause I didn’t have to. Sure, I sometimes felt lonely, actually most of the time, but it didn’t matter as much as it does now. And yes, I pretended a lot, but now, I’m pretending things all the time; to listen, to be happy, to wanna be at school for lessons and not just for my friends. I didn’t have to dress up at parties, back then, there honestly wasn’t many parties in my life, and even when there was, people expected nothing of me, than just to show up.

 

I could do whatever I wanted, could say what I wanted. I could yell at teachers, classmates, parents, my brother and even my friends. But now, not so much. And I know the reason why: I’m older, and people expect more of me, expecting me to  be mature and serious about school and relationships. Back then, sex wasn’t something real, it was once in a while something to think about, something to fear and to wait happily for; now it’s controlling everything.

 

Now I have to prove myself, prove that there’s more to me than just a pretty face. The people around me are much, much more mature and clever, than I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve always been the pretty, silent girl, who is really clever, whenever she wants to be. But no more, now I feel dumb, feel like I’m less than everybody else. I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, to confused, to childish. Everything is chanced, the whole picture I had of myself is destroyed. I’m missing people, who I never knew meant something to me, I’m losing friends and the time is passing by so quickly that I only get short glimpses of it.

 

I miss my old friends, and the way that everything used to be. Mostly, I miss being able to cry, scream and act irresponsible, doing as I felt like. I miss the way everything was so much simpler. But there are new problems now, things I’ve never given a thought now is my whole life. I’ve always been very aware of the boys around me, but that’s different too. My whole perspective of life is different.

 

Also, I miss all of my old hobbies, such as drawing, writing novels, short stories and poems, singing, playing music, just music in general. I miss the way I was able to sit down and just write, and in my written stuff my feelings and thoughts were so clear, as if looking at pictures. My imagination was better back then, I saw myself clearly, knew all my good and bad sides, knew exactly what I was capable of, and in contrasting; what I wasn’t.  

 

I just wish that I, for just one day, could go back and relive the way it used to be, to live in a moment of clarity, in a world that were so much simpler…

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